Toilet Paper

Can I just take a moment and share my feelings about something very personal to me? I'm talking about toilet paper, of course. After all, what could be more personal than the one item that regularly caresses your anus? I find that a person's social status can often be determined very accurately by the brand of toilet paper that they hang next to their throne. Take my mother, for example. She's does decently. Not the wealthiest woman in the world but she's also not exactly on food stamps either. What kind of T.P. do you find in her privê? Usually a roll of Charmin Ultra. That's a solid toilet tissue, right there. Not the best on the market but you could certainly do worse.

I, on the other hand, have to do with whatever one dollar can get me. That's not much. Has anybody ever heard of a brand called FMV? It stands for For Maximum Value and using it is like wiping your ass with a 3-inch square of USA Today. You have to use a quarter roll of it just to get yourself clean because, for as rough and scratchy as it may be, it's as thin as rice paper. The plus side is that I could flush an entire roll down my toilet and not clog it. Even if I had the money, I don't think my cheap-o toilet could even handle a few squares of Charmin.

My aspiration in life is to someday be able to afford Quilted Northern brand asswipe. Not only is it quilted and triple-layered, but you can get it with lotion. I had the privilege of swabbing the deck with some of that at a wealthy relatives house once. Man was that sweet. It felt like silk only, more absorbent.

I know that what I'm going to say next may seem unbelievable but I actually saw this with my own eyes a few months ago. I had run into a bit of unexpected money and decided to pick up a box of macaroni and cheese over at Albertson's. I realize that it's wasteful of me to throw my money away like that but I feel like I'm really doing well for myself when I go to Albertson's. Sometimes it makes you feel good to rub shoulders with the social elite, you know? Anyway, I saw this man get out of a brand new silver Mercedes and strut into the store. He waltzed his way towards an aisle and paused to look over his shoulder and wink at some foxy chick. He then proceeded to pick up a 24-pack of Kleenex Cottonelle Ultra with Aloe and E, the Triple Roll no less, and prance towards the cash register. The woman at the register shot him a crooked glance to which he responded with a sly nod. The woman then blew out a small breath as if wash her hands of the whole transaction but before she could utter the total to pay, the man handed her his Platinum Mastercard. He actually paid without even glancing at the price! Needless to say, everyone who witness the event stood speechless, jaws to the floor, including myself. Had I thought to bring my camara I'd have snapped a picture, but alas, I have nothing with which to prove my story.

Now I'm as ambitious as the next guy but that's something I know I'll never do. No matter how much I acheive in life I can't imagine ever buying Cottonelle from Albertson's. Who would you have to GUM to get to that point? I'd be happy if I were never able to get anything more than Charmin Regular. Really, much more than that is just being greedy.